Feeling powerless

Hello Dear Ones,

There’s nothing worse than feeling powerless. Obviously — at least to those who are chronically ill — this is the cornerstone of our problems, greater than any pain or symptom our body/mind can throw up.

It’s the reason I started this Patreon – to reclaim my power. So it’s annoying my first words are about powerlessness.

I am taking a one month leave from teaching chair yoga – which pains me more than just about every other lost career my illnesses have taken from me – to try to rebuild my health.

Do yoga for strength, balance, flexibility, stress-release, easing of anxiety. This is true. I have experienced this.

However, when crushing fatigue is the hallmark of your conditions – whether it be Sjogren’s syndrome, ME/CFS, or whatever this current flare is – you CAN’T always do it.

My chair yoga teacher talks about energizing chair yoga, and for most people it is that, and for 10% of the time, it’s that for me. But lately, it’s something out of reach. Each trip to the studio (an hour each way), set up, take down, teaching, is beyond what I have in me right now.

Hence, I’ve taken leave. I’m not sitting idle, although my body wants to do that, and a crushing migraine keeps leaping out of nowhere to dim my resolve.

I want change. I need change. I am doing all the things my naturopath prescribed, as often as I can. Things that were beyond my comfort zone, but I have pushed into my comfort zone. I’m waiting for my body to crack – to shout “Hallelujah!” and fall into some kind of healing crisis, or hell, just do anything.

But nothing is changing. I’m going to take Sammy beagle out for a brisk walk in the sunshine, two triggers that should help make something happen. Maybe that will make something happen, maybe not.

All I’m left with is writing. So many conventional and complementary healing modalities talk about the essential step of taming the mind. I know my self-talk has veered into obscenity at times, and most of the time, just plain disgust at myself.

I know I need to revisit my cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) toolbox.

Most of all, I know I need to write – about the things that scare me. I’m starting to think that’s the only way to get my body/mind healing – to crack my mind open instead. To admit the feelings that are buried way beneath.

Like anger. I’m mad that once again my health is throwing me on the sidelines, while people around me are living life and filling in the gaps I’m making by having to step out of my own life. It’s not fair, but I know how asinine that complaint is.

We make our own lives, our own power. But when you have no energy source, I’m not sure how.

Community strengthens us. I’m sure of that. That’s why I chose to write this. But how do we find community when we are at such a low ebb?

I hope to figure that out.

With love,

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Jane Waterman

Hi, I’m Jane! I create blogs, fiction, art, and adaptive yoga as I seek peace and healing in this strange and sometimes beautiful world. I’ve been chronically ill and probably crazy for 30 years, but I try not to let it stop me!

Please visit the about page to learn more about me and my hopes for this community! If you’d like to support my work, please visit my tip jar at ko-fi.com/jane or my ongoing creative projects at patreon.com/janewaterman.



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